the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
