Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
