Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
