Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
