the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
