I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I looked at my own cervix.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I pour the whiskey from now on
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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