grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she peed on how many people?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
