I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
