Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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