she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
