Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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