her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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