She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
