Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
