I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
