My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
