So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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