shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
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So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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