Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
