I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
