I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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