is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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