Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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