I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.