Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.