My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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