I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
