so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
