I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
