it's too hot outside to masturbate.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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