I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
