I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
