Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
