I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
