Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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