Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
