is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
