I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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