I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
