mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
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Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
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Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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