she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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