Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
