You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
