You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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