WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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