There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
