Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
