I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
