Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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