I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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