spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
