In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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