I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
