: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
