I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
