he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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