I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BRING THE BAGELS
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize