Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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