If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
