in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
