I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
