Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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