hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
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I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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