I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
