Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
