Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
